@christrew

Too many men hate it when I put both of my hands on their shoulder and ask if everything is alright take this guy at the urinal for example

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@chrisdowning

Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.

@mejustbeth

A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.

Maybe I should move.

@carterhambley

just became the pop-tarts CEO and let’s just say I hope you guys like mayonnaise

@MartaEffing

My date told me he was 32 years old. I responded by saying, ‘that’s how many teeth adult humans have’.

I sure hope he asks me out again.

@Fred_Delicious

Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused

@Mr_Kapowski

Wife: Where are you going?

Me: I’m wearing my robe and boxer briefs so obviously I’m off to fight crime

@Mom_Overboard

If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.

@heyevergreen

Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans

@Jake_Vig

If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.