I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
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5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.