A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
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[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
had to share :’)
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!