@RamblingMachine

Too many TV ads about how you can remove blood stains off clothes with detergents & none about how you can hide the body? Where’s the logic?

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@TheRolo

I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

@raeraefairydust

I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.

@AmishPornStar1

Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.

@LoriLuvsShoes

A man in the car beside me had his arm out the window and I was admiring his sleeve tattoo until I realized it was only excessive arm hair

@Hobo_Splendido

The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.

@dance_blessed

Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.

@UncleDuke1969

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT

I like big buts.

I can not lie.

@underchilde

You could probably master Mandarin while waiting on the last bit of laundry detergent to drizzle into the cap.

@edgarrants

Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.

@pilau

interviewer: can you use word

me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words