Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?
Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
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[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
PUTIN: If your American lover is in this room I’ll kill him
ELENA: He’s not!
PUTIN: (softly) u…s…
[bursting from closet] A! USA! USA!
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much