@lovejulieacafe

Too much insomnia causes caffeine.

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@bylinetd

Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?

Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!

@PostCultRev

[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that

@fightgeek

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.

@roxiqt

DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”

ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”

@iamrandomape

SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery

[me 3 months later]

I think he had a brewery

@ItsAndyRyan

What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?

@sock_holliday

Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?

Me: I don’t know, CAN you?

*High-fives high school English teacher*

@elizabeth_fels

PUTIN: If your American lover is in this room I’ll kill him

ELENA: He’s not!

PUTIN: (softly) u…s…

[bursting from closet] A! USA! USA!