[after 20 minutes of awkward silence in the sauna]
“This isn’t the bathroom is it”
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
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I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
me never admitting when i’m wrong