Too much insomnia causes caffeine.

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[after 20 minutes of awkward silence in the sauna]
“This isn’t the bathroom is it”


I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.


My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.


How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?

Is it four? Please say it’s four.


“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”

[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]



They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.


APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.


coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys