A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
You Might Also Like
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
I like crazy people until they notice me
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
#parenting
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day