*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
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Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.