too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
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BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.