Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
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Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.