2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
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[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
this article brought to you by lions
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
🍞🦆
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices