ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
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You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door