took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
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*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Thanks to a fan for this one.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Fiction has to make sense.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times