Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
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If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
You sure about that?
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok