Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
You Might Also Like
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there