took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
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having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
This is painfully accurate 😅
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
😂😂
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Thanks to a fan for this one.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug