took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
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Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.