Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
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I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife