Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
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If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza