Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
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SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
notice
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*