Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
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I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat