I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
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Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.