why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
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Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Yup
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!