Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
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[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
*Inspirational Tweets*
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.