I’m Godzilla’s gift to women!!!
*walks around toy store
destroying doll houses*
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
You Might Also Like
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
MOM: *frantically* WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED!!?
ME: Could you wash these jeans?
MOM: what have I told you about laundry after 9pm?
ME: oh, right. DAAAADDDDDD!!!
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
I’m done congratulating people for having babies. Parents have been getting praise for having sex incorrectly for way too long.