Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.

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I’m Godzilla’s gift to women!!!
*walks around toy store
destroying doll houses*


my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?


[at 10pm]


MOM: *frantically* WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED!!?

ME: Could you wash these jeans?

MOM: what have I told you about laundry after 9pm?

ME: oh, right. DAAAADDDDDD!!!


“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”

– idiots


It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.

Science is a lie.


Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.


If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.


I’m done congratulating people for having babies. Parents have been getting praise for having sex incorrectly for way too long.