wife: i think we should have children
me: [disappointed] but I wanted pizza
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
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“So you met the victim on tinder”
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Replacing facebook with Twitter is a bit like replacing caffeine with heroin
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
P: The weakened
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Marilyn Monroe died & was reincarnated into thousands of white girls who can’t be handled at their worst, and aren’t deserved at their best.
Oh, you said floppy DISK.
*pulls pants back up*
Yeah, I don’t know what that is.