Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
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Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
It was worth a shot 😂
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*