Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.

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wife: i think we should have children

me: [disappointed] but I wanted pizza


“So you met the victim on tinder”
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*


Replacing facebook with Twitter is a bit like replacing caffeine with heroin


Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.

You don’t need that negativity in your life.


“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]


Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What


Marilyn Monroe died & was reincarnated into thousands of white girls who can’t be handled at their worst, and aren’t deserved at their best.


Oh, you said floppy DISK.
*pulls pants back up*
Yeah, I don’t know what that is.