Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
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wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes