Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
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beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Always 🥴
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve