Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
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How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad