Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir

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90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.


Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.

Food: Are you sure.

Me: No.


[lying in bed after sex]

Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark


If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”


She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.


-“I was the girl that hated you back in high school.”
-“I’m sorry, can you be more specific?”


earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that


Pro tip: If a woman asks you how she looks, the correct answer is not “like Dan Aykroyd.”