me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
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Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
I wish I could veto my bills.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
when you are just born a rebel
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.