Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
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wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Holy crap this is wonderful
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.