Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
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If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.