Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
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My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂