Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
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doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?