took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
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Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Doggies just call it style.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
But is it really??
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor