took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
You Might Also Like
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
the Monday after daylight savings
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”