Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
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Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you
dinner ingredients:
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.