Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
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A Match(.com), but for socks.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing