Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
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Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Okey dokey.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
When I laugh on my period
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home