Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
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toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
My version of “naked and afraid” is when I’m in the shower, soap in my eyes, and I hear a weird noise.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Look UPS guy, you can’t just show up at someone’s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Window repairman: What happened did someone try to break into your house?
Me: No. My gf said we needed to talk