Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
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*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place