Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
You Might Also Like
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?