The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
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I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Saint West, the patron of selfies
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.