king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Took the only water bottle from my car that wasn’t frozen to class…. long story short which one of my friends left a water bottle full of Malibu in my car
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Friend – You smell nice, what’s that perfume you’re wearing?
Me – Fear and fabric softener.
[email protected] i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I love that the boat is stuck because every other piece of global news is so hard to comprehend or explain.
The boat? It’s just stuck. Stuff won’t go. Boat needs to be not stuck. That’s it.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Loses house keys. Builds new house.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
i thought about this and shot snot
mercury is no longer retrograde so you can relax now, your problems are your own fault again