I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
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You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
won’t smith
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face