@AllanForsyth

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.

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@TobyHater

Fax? Why don’t you just send it over on a dinosaur?

@Vodkantots

Imagine falling in love with someone and then discovering that he has faith in humanity.

@Crunk_Jews

People who use a vacation day the day after Christmas to have relatives over clearly don’t understand the meaning of the word vacation.

@SadMeterologist

HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*

@10InchesPlus

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.

@XLToast

Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*

@KenJennings

If you’re American & I ever hear you use the word “whilst,” this I swear: you will not live to see the 3rd season of Sherlock.

@thestlouisan

Who’s the idiot who named the song ‘The Sound of Silence’ and not

@BunAndLeggings

My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.