Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
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I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.