Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
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[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning