My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
You Might Also Like
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Challenge accepted.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.