@sonictyrant

[toon world police department]

chief of police: can u describe the explosive device?

me: it’s like a bowling ball with a fizzy string

chief of police: listen very carefully, i want you to lick your thumb and index finger ….

You Might Also Like

@WheelTod

Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“

@Robert_Beau

Boss: You gonna get any work done today?

Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.

B: Who won?

M: Jack Daniels

@FrazzleMyGimp

ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.

GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.

ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.

@WilliamAder

In a perfect world, the phrase “axe body spray” would only be used to refer to blood splatter patterns.

@Birdhumms

Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?

@fakedannydevito

oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer

@sirivan

Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.

He spends all day chilling in the water.

His life is one big pool party.

@KateWhineHall

My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.

@simoncholland

One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.

@nutsaremixed

if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet