toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.

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“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe


For #BackToTheFutureDay try and get your mom to hit on you.


[Trying to hire a hitman]

“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”


Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room


My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.


Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.


[press session regarding increase in shark bites]

Reporter: Are there more attacks in one area?
Scientist: [lips against mic] In the water


Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”

5 “Trying to pull it out.”

Me “That’s going to hurt.”

5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”


-911 Whats the emergency?

My wife is suffocating me

-Literally or figuratively sir?

Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?


My mom just learned how to text. And her text to me said “can you hear me?”