@fakegoldegg

toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.

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@birbigs

“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe

@kumailn

For #BackToTheFutureDay try and get your mom to hit on you.

@WheelTod

[Trying to hire a hitman]

“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”

@Wine_honey1

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

@LizHackett

My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.

@Petote

Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.

@Mr_Kapowski

[press session regarding increase in shark bites]

Reporter: Are there more attacks in one area?
Scientist: [lips against mic] In the water

@cydbeer

Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”

5 “Trying to pull it out.”

Me “That’s going to hurt.”

5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”

@JosesLovesYou

-911 Whats the emergency?

My wife is suffocating me

-Literally or figuratively sir?

Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?

@kevnasto

My mom just learned how to text. And her text to me said “can you hear me?”