toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
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Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
This kid is going places
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!