@3sunzzz

[Toothpaste Laboratory]

Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…

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@PetrickSara

Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

@meganamram

It was definitely Adam and Steve – what kind of straight man hangs out in a garden??

@alispagnola

Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.

@theshantilly

Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”

@DaddyJew

*turns off the WiFi at home*

*gathers everyone around*

Ok now lets all introduce ourselves

@RitleySammich

I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance by hacking into State Farm’s main server and deleting the 4 DUIs.

@CherBear162

Where’s my cell?

“Right there.”

That’s not my phone.

“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”

My cell’s white?

@RunOldMan

My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.