Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
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It was definitely Adam and Steve – what kind of straight man hangs out in a garden??
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
*turns off the WiFi at home*
*gathers everyone around*
Ok now lets all introduce ourselves
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance by hacking into State Farm’s main server and deleting the 4 DUIs.
They are not wrong.
Where’s my cell?
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.