Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
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If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
SF is the wild wild west man
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
the official breakfast of 2021