Her: My last boyfriend dumped my by text message!
Me: *trying to impress* when I dump you I’ll definitely do it face to face
Top 3 situations that require witnesses:
Need I say more?
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In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Once again, overheard my 13yo tell someone that I was born in the 1900s.
Now I want to hide under the covers and stab all her teddy bears.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.