My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
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Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this