@Manali_Shetye5

Top 3 situations that require witnesses:
1) Crimes
2) Accidents
3) Marriages
Need I say more?

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@brynnester

[First Date]
Her: My last boyfriend dumped my by text message!
Me: *trying to impress* when I dump you I’ll definitely do it face to face

@Shut_up_Marissa

In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.

@thenoahkinsey

As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”

@MelvinofYork

My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out

@volks__

Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …

@ScottLinnen

Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

When a kid is mean to my kid…

(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness

(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS

@amazymay72x

Once again, overheard my 13yo tell someone that I was born in the 1900s.

Now I want to hide under the covers and stab all her teddy bears.

@OpenClassMX

If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.