Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Top 3 ways to kill Werewolves:
3. Kill them in human form
2. Shoot them with a silver bullet
1. Feed them chocolate
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I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
*pulling on rod* whoa nelly that’s a big ice
Boss: you’re late
Carol: he was in his car taking selfies again
Me: goddammit Carol, I will cut you
My wife is a psycho, this tweet isn’t a joke its a cry for help.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus
Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole
Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…