Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
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Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
A friend helps you before you need it
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.