@krautsider

Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper

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@drinksmcgee

[job interview]

Interviewer: Have you ever laid brick before?
Me, a liar: Absolutely.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.

@ArinLeeMorris

In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.

@ImMelanieGibson

My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?

@CVTBaby

Him: Can you forgive me?

*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*

Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.

@Jamberee13

Angel: So the sins are deadly.

God: Yep!

Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?

God: Well, no.

Angel: So why call them deadly?

God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?

@SummerCandyEyes

My son asked me if mayonnaise was a mammal.

*cashes in college fund
*installs a pool in backyard

@murrman5

“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?

@Ygrene

[being murdered]

Mailman: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT

@Book_Krazy

Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.

Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*

Me: Dammit