Interviewer: Have you ever laid brick before?
Me, a liar: Absolutely.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
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Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
My son asked me if mayonnaise was a mammal.
*cashes in college fund
*installs a pool in backyard
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!