plant them where lol
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I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.